Perhaps you’re one of the lucky ones. You’ve married the love of your life—you’ve fine-tuned your communication skills, sex is great, and your partnership is strong. You practice compassion over fairness. You laugh hard and often. Marriage after a baby didn’t change much.
Or not.
Perhaps there have been struggles in your relationship, conflicts that recur and threaten. A match not made in heaven.
Then, you both enter parenthood. You see your partner in a new light—babe in arms. New, new, new, and lovely. And also hard.
Communication skills are lost to exhaustion. The hormonal roller coaster is impossible to navigate. One person is definitely getting more sleep, and for some reason—you keep going over and over which one of you needs more sleep, or which of you works more. This argument is endless, futile, akin to banging your head against the wall—and yet, you cannot stop fighting about sleep.
A baby magnifies everything in a relationship—the best and worst qualities of each parent, the broken-record fights that you thought you’d gotten a handle on, the underlying neuroses.
Introducing a child (or two, or three) to your couplehood is bittersweet. And it won’t prove to get much easier as the weeks, months, and years roll on.
You will be making decisions together at a level of intensity you hadn’t imagined before. The worry and the wonder that come with having a child make every choice a BIG deal.
- How long to breastfeed?
- Bassinet or bed-sharing?
- Nanny or daycare?
- Summer camp? Sleepovers?
The decisions—and subsequent opportunities for disagreement—are everywhere! Fighting over sleepovers? How did you get here? That’s nothing compared to the bigger hot topics:
- Religion
- Schooling
- Discipline
- Circumcision
- Vaccination schedule
You may not have thought much about the implications of your “friendly debates” while dating but now—with a sweet little bundle between you—previously downplayed differences of opinion seem like deal breakers.
And yet, the deal is done. You have a child together.
Planning Ahead: A Preventative Approach
A wonderful—however idealistic—piece of advice is this: hash these things out BEFORE baby is even conceived. Before you make a lifelong commitment. Before you decide on the flowers and invitations.
We need to lift the stigma from couples’ therapy and understand that it works best in a preventative sense, rather than in rock-bottom crisis relief.
If the hard questions—religion, childbirth practices, post-birth medical procedures—bring you to blows, talk to someone who can help:
- Your therapist
- The midwife
- Your doctor
- Your clergyperson
Once Baby Is Here…
No matter how well you’ve prepared, you will face unexpected decisions in marriage after a baby.
Here are a few suggestions for the disagreements, both big and small:
- Compromise with compassion. See your partner’s side. Be gentle. Whenever possible, meet in the middle.
- Choose your moment wisely. Discuss on a full belly, well-rested, and with a clear and peaceful frame of mind.
- Support your argument. If this is a heated debate over the use of antibiotics for ear infections, bring research to the table.
- Bring in a third party. You are less likely to be critical or hurtful in front of a third party. That outside perspective can help you pull back and look at the big picture.
- Pick your battles. If it’s a question of breastfeeding, defer to the lactating partner. Childbirth? The person birthing has final say, after giving their partner time and space to respectfully express concerns. Is one partner far more religious than the other? The decision to go to a certain church might mean much more to them.
The Takeaway
Relationships are wonderful and essential to our well-being. They’re also tricky. Adding parenthood to the mix intensifies both the best and most challenging aspects of a partnership.
Knowing that, feeling that, and understanding that will go a long way. Plan ahead. Ask for help. Have the hard talks. And—when in doubt—choose kindness.
If you’re struggling or just want to talk about the state of your marriage after having a baby, we offer couples therapy and other resources too. Reach out to us today.
By Jen Wittes