We recently discussed the impact of fertility struggle on pregnancy and childbirth—mainly, the increased risk for perinatal mood disorders. A situation that similarly affects the emotional state of the new or expectant parent is pregnancy after loss—be it miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death, or the loss of an older child.
The Emotional Weight of Loss
Parents who have gone through this tremendous, unparalleled brand of grief are—of course—forever changed. They are tender, strong, determined, grateful, angry, fearful, anxious, and honest, among many other things.
The decision to have another child after such loss is not easy. It may feel like reopening the door to the possibility of tragedy. It may feel like “moving on” in a way that both terrifies and saddens the parent.
The pregnancy, birth, and first moments with a new baby will undoubtedly evoke bittersweet memories, puncturing old wounds in the process. The parents in question are often on high alert—constantly fearing the worst-case scenario, obsessively counting fetal kicks, panicking at each prenatal appointment, obsessively checking in on a sleeping newborn.
Guilt and the Struggle to Move Forward
“I had a lot of anxiety throughout the pregnancy—worried about every twitch, every pain. What does that mean? Is something wrong? I was excited, of course, about the new life inside of me, but felt guilty for ‘getting over’ the loss quickly. It’s kind of like a new boyfriend shortly after a breakup. The happiness is overshadowed by questions. Am I moving on too quickly? Shouldn’t I still be sad?”
– Wendy, a mother of two from Minneapolis, MN who—after four years of fertility struggles—experienced an ectopic pregnancy, three miscarriages, and a stillborn labor before giving birth to her daughters.
Guilt, as it turns out, is the most common emotion felt by parents even toying with the idea of trying to conceive again after the loss of a child. It often feels like cheating on the child, surrendering her important place in the family, letting go, and moving on in a way that feels inappropriate. And yet, those empty arms long to be filled.
“I’m battling with feelings of guilt every so often but I just continue to remind myself that it’s OK to move on. Even getting married and earning my diploma makes me feel guilty at times—that I’m moving forward with my life without her. I have to continually remind myself to breathe and remind myself that I’m still here…
I’m also having a hard time figuring out how to incorporate Gwen into the picture while continuing to move on. I worry that somehow she will be forgotten even though I think about her every day. And then I worry that maybe I’m going overboard in trying to keep her memory alive.”
– Daphne, expectant mother from Los Angeles, CA who lost her 5-year-old daughter Gwendolyn to a brave yet exhausting battle with brain cancer. Daphne was by her daughter’s side throughout the illness.
Pregnancy After Loss: A Balancing Act
Pregnancy after loss can be confusing, messy, and tumultuous to say the least. But what’s the alternative? Not move on? Would that be the best life, the best health? Would that be what the dearly missed child would want for their parent?
It’s a game of limbo—it doesn’t feel right to dwell in the past, it doesn’t feel right to let go. Happiness doesn’t quite fit, but the heartache is getting old.
As Daphne so wisely said, remembering to breathe is a wonderful first step. Breathe and then breathe some more. Rough day? Breathe. Panic attack? Breathe. Unexpected tests at the OB’s office? Breathe, breathe, breathe.
Ways to Cope and Find Support
- Understand that perinatal mood disorders are more common in pregnancy after loss. Educate yourself and your loved ones. Prepare. Rest.
- Find joy—in nature, in happy memories, in pizza, in holding hands.
- Support groups with other grieving parents are GREAT—this is a very specific group of individuals, insular and eager for connection.
- In addition to group support, therapy is crucial. Acknowledgment of the feelings—guilt, worry, sadness, fear—can help lower the risk of perinatal mood disorders.
- Finally, there’s a very specific practice that seems to help most grieving parents: using the name of the child who has passed, unflinchingly and often. Encourage relatives to use the name, to keep it in the conversation and in the family’s changing fabric. Speak to your new baby—in utero, at birth, out in the wide world—of their sibling.
There is no shame in keeping your child with you—always, always, always. And there is certainly no shame in moving on.
For more insights, resources, and guidance forward, visit PHAwellness.com.
By Jen Wittes