By Claire Baumgartner, MSW, LICSW
What is Mama Guilt?
You decide to take a break while your baby is napping instead of folding the laundry, your toddler has eaten frozen chicken nuggets for the fourth time this week, you forgot to wash your 10-year-old’s soccer jersey for their game this morning, your preschooler has had way too much screen time this week…
Enter: Mama Guilt.
The feeling that you aren’t good enough, that you should be doing more for your kid, that you shouldn’t be losing your cool so much, that you should be balancing work and family life better.
The Impossible Standards of Motherhood
The bar for being a good mom feels impossibly high and is full of contradictions:
- I should make my family healthy, nutritious meals every day, and I should make it look easy, breezy while I do it.
- I should love every minute I spend with my children, and I should also make sure I’m taking time for my own self-care.
- I should contribute to my family’s finances, but I also shouldn’t have other people raising my children.
The list goes on and on.
Before the rise of social media, we may have only compared our mothering to family members, friends, and neighbors, but now we are constantly bombarded with images of influencer moms who are seemingly doing it all and who have it all together. We also carry our own internalized expectations about what makes a good mom.
Whether we are consciously aware of it or not, many of our expectations are based on unrealistic ideals about what constitutes a good mother—being selfless, never getting angry, and always being available to our children and partner.
Rational vs. Irrational Guilt
So, what do we do about it?
First, it’s important to distinguish between rational and irrational guilt.
- Rational guilt is what helps us adjust our behavior after we have acted against our values. For example, if we value being respectful to others, we might feel guilty after rudely interrupting our partner in a heated conversation. The guilt we feel in this situation might steer us towards apologizing to our partner or talking to our therapist about ways to better manage our anger in the moment.
- Irrational guilt, on the other hand, occurs when we blame ourselves for something out of our control or feel bad about setting a boundary even if it upset someone. We may also feel irrational guilt when we feel we are failing to live up to society’s unattainable standards around motherhood: “I should be everything to everyone.”
Strategies to Manage Mama Guilt
If you find yourself experiencing a lot of irrational guilt, automatically beating yourself up for not being the perfect parent, try these strategies:
1. Remember that Irrational Guilt is an “Automatic Thought.”
We may think things automatically without really believing them. For example, we may notice that it is 12 noon and automatically think, “Time for lunch,” without stopping to notice if we are actually hungry.
In other words, certain thoughts, including irrational guilt thoughts, can become thought habits—and unfortunately, these often come with being a mom.
2. Practice Mindfulness.
This doesn’t mean meditating for 20 minutes a day. It can be as simple as starting to notice your thoughts and feelings of guilt without judging them. This will allow you to challenge your habitual thoughts.
3. Don’t “Should” All Over Yourself.
You might notice yourself saying things like:
- “I should enjoy playing with my kids more.”
- “I should have tried harder to breastfeed my baby.”
Part of us may believe that telling ourselves we aren’t good enough will motivate us to be better, but actually, these thoughts just make us feel worse about ourselves. Start noticing anytime the word “should” shows up. Would you expect the same perfection from another stressed-out mom? Probably not.
4. Listen to a Podcast About Mom Guilt.
There are lots out there, but one of my favorites is “Saying ‘No’ to Mom Guilt with Dr. Ashurina Ream” on the Mothergood podcast.
5. Talk to a Therapist.
Sometimes experiencing excessive guilt might be a sign of something more—like depression, anxiety, or codependency. Getting connected to a trusted therapist and having a nonjudgmental space to explore these feelings can help.
You’re Already a Great Mom
Feeling guilty doesn’t make you a bad mom—it makes you human. The fact that you’re reading this shows how much you care about your kids.
If this resonated with you and you’re looking for support, our team of compassionate perinatal therapists is here to help. Meet our team and learn more about our services.