Though some come to adoption by choice at the start of their parenting journey, others arrive at the decision after a lengthy battle with infertility.
Neither scenario makes the adoption more wonderful or more challenging. However, those who decide to adopt after trying to conceive unsuccessfully MUST deal with the emotional aspects of infertility before proceeding with adoption. In fact, the adoption agency or organization will REQUIRE that you process your feelings about infertility before welcoming your new child into your home.
Infertility Issues to Address Before Adoption:
- Feelings of inadequacy or failure.
- Frustration.
- Marital strain.
- Hormonal imbalance caused by treatment.
- Sadness.
- Wistfulness.
- Uncertainty as to whether or not you’re done trying to conceive.
- Expectations of your extended family.
- Negative feelings toward pregnant women.
One should enter adoption with a pure and open heart, ready to take the next step toward a larger family. Any feelings of “what if” must be felt, processed and put to rest. That’s not to say that you will never have another emotion about how your family came to be, but rather that you should arrive at a place of acceptance and calm before becoming an adoptive parent.
Furthermore, adoption counselors will ask that you make decisions about how you will discuss infertility with your adopted child. Consider the following questions:
- Why didn’t you choose to adopt first?
- Am I your second choice?
- Are you sad that you didn’t give birth to me?
- Are you still trying to get pregnant?
- If you HAD gotten pregnant the first time, where would I be?
- Do you love me as much as you would have loved a baby you gave birth to?
And so on…
As usual, basic honesty is your best policy – in this case, with heaps of compassion and affirmation.
“We took the necessary and most perfect path to finding you at exactly the right time. Though it was a challenging path, it was well worth it because you were meant to be ours. This is our family.”
Truth, encouragement, love. Your child couldn’t ask for anything more.
To cope with feelings about infertility as you embark on adoption, feel free to call us at anytime. We sponsor The Infertility Counseling Center. It is also a good idea to connect with a support group or others seeking adoption. Peer support can be extremely helpful.
Additional Resources: